The Bachelor: Philly Mayor Edition

 

FADE IN:

 

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA SKYLINE - DAY

PHILLY (Voice-over.): Even though I been through a lotta heartbreak before, one of the things I never done…is give up hope. No matter how bad things got…

Montage: A young woman wearing an Erin Express t-shirt pukes on the sidewalk...

PHILLY (Voice-over.): No matter the heartbreak I went through…

...RUDY GIULIANI rants at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference...

PHILLY (Voice-over.): I always held out hope. 

...Birds fly over the Schuylkill River. 

PHILLY (Voice-over): I’m far from perfect. In fact, I’m a hot mess. But I got a lot to offer the right person. I never given up on lookin' for love. 

PHILLY sits in "confessional" folding chair, facing camera. 

PHILLY: This is gonna be my 100th mayor. It just might be my last chance. (To the side.) Yo, I don’t like this. It sounds desperate. 

WHITNEY (Off-screen.): They’re gonna love it. Try to sound more excited. 

PHILLY: (Shakes head, annoyed. Clears throat, speaks in monotone.) Tonight’s the night. I’m ready to open up my heart. – Are you serious with this? Who wrote this [BLEEP]? – (Sighs.) I’m ready for my happily ever after.

WHITNEY (Off-screen.): Cut. We got it. Take five.

PHILLY: Thank Christ. 

PHILLY grabs Honey Bun from side table, takes bite. 

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA CITY HALL - DAY

INTERIOR. CITY HALL MEETING ROOM - DAY

The room is jammed with City Councilmembers DEREK GREEN, CINDY BASS, ALLAN DOMB, HELEN GYM, CHERELLE PARKER, and MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ, along with City Controller REBECCA RHYNHART and Brown’s Super Stores Founder JEFF BROWN. Everyone looks at each other.

JEFF BROWN: What’s this about? Where’s Kenney?

CUT TO: 

INTERIOR. MAYOR’S OFFICE.

MAYOR JIM KENNEY sits at a table playing the board game Sorry! against himself. He uses all four pieces, switching chairs to play each new piece. 

 

CUT BACK TO:

INTERIOR. CITY HALL MEETING ROOM.

JIM GARDNER enters.

JIM GARDNER: Hello, everyone. As you know, a lot of folks, including you all, are rumored to be throwing their hat in the ring for Philadelphia’s 2023 mayoral election. The field is getting crowded.

HELEN GYM (Looking around meaningfully): Thank you for saying it out loud, Jim.

JIM GARDNER: The minds in City Hall have decided to lean into it. Open the race up to everyone, add some spice so people pay attention. This election is going to be different. 

DEREK GREEN (Alarmed.): What are you talking about? 

JIM GARDNER: Welcome to The Bachelor: Philly Mayor Edition. 

CHERELLE PARKER: Excuse me?

JIM GARDNER: The bus is here. 

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA CITY HALL.

A yellow school bus pulls up. 

 

FADE OUT. 

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR. BIRD'S EYE VIEW OF CITY - DAY 

Dramatic music plays. 

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): Welcome to a reality show like you’ve never seen before.

Montage: The TEMPLE OWL flexes a muscled wing ... a PPA EMPLOYEE bursts into tears ... MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ crosses arms and shakes head ... A pack of contestants run up the art museum steps; someone trips, setting off a domino effect as the others start to fall. 

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): In honor of the 2023 mayoral race, we present 23 Philadelphians competing for the heart of the city. I’m your host, Jim Gardner. Will Philly find the one they’ve been looking for? Find out now as we kick off The Bachelor: Philly Mayor Edition.

Title displays onscreen. Sentimental music plays.

PHILLY gazes out the backseat window of an Uber. 

PHILLY (Voice-over.): I’m ready to meet my person.

 

A series of contestant reels play, interspersed with peppy music.

First reel: A PPA EMPLOYEE tickets a car on South Street as the CAR OWNER frantically approaches. 

PPA EMPLOYEE (Voice-over): I work for the Philadelphia Parking Authority. 

CAR OWNER (Pulling ticket off dash.): Come on! 

PPA EMPLOYEE in confessional chair. 

PPA EMPLOYEE: A lot of people think that, because I work for the PPA, I am a certain kind of person. I get called names...But there's more to me. 

Montage: PPA EMPLOYEE getting her hair done, baking cookies and bringing them to elderly neighbor, praying in church. 

PPA EMPLOYEE: Honestly, I'm so excited to meet Philly in person. Philly is so...genuine. There's that quirky goofy side...and then the side where they'll just cut your throat. 

Next reel: YA FAV TRASHMAN throws garbage bags into sanitation truck. 

YA FAV TRASHMAN (Voice-over.): I’m Ya Fav Trashman, and I’m running for mayor of Philadelphia.

YA FAV TRASHMAN in confessional chair.

YA FAV TRASHMAN: Let's go. 

Next reel: the TEMPLE OWL works out at Planet Fitness. He lifts weights, works with trainer, runs on treadmill. Now he’s in the Liacouras Center, preening and posing. Turns to camera with sign reading “OWL 2023”.

 

Next reel: the NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK walks under the Frankford El

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK (Voice-over): Growing up, I always felt like an outsider. I was from another century. My hair didn’t make any sense. People were always saying stuff about my Newports…I dealt with a lot of opposition. But I’m not afraid anymore. This is my moment.  

Montage: NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK faces opponent in boxing gym...hugs mother in living room...puts Steak-Umms into frying pan; sits down to dinner with family.   

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK in confessional chair

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK: Ben Franklin said, you gotta shoot your shot. 

 

A series of contestants in confessional chair.

BEN SIMMONS: A lot of people been asking all season, Ben, what are you doing? Ben, what is your strategy? Ben, why are you still here? (Beat.) This is why. 

 

MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ: Do you know the amount of [BLEEP] I have already put up with in my career? Do you think this mockery of the civil process is going to stop me? I’m not going away.

 

DEREK GREEN: I do not like this. But am I here? Yes. I’m here. 

 

REBECCA RHYNHART: For the record, I want to say, this is ridiculous. But if this is what we have to do… (Pulls out pink TI-82 calculator blinged out with stick-on rhinestones.) Bring it on. 

A RACCOON, on confessional chair, chews on a soft pretzel. Jumps off chair. 

CUT TO:

 

INTERIOR. PHILLY ROWHOME - NIGHT

PHILLY sits on the couch with JIM GARDNER, watching the contestant reels on a TV screen. PHILLY pauses the frame on the RACCOON in midair. 

PHILLY: Seriously Jim? Is this a good idea? 

JIM GARDNER: Let's just watch a couple more. 

PHILLY presses play. Onscreen, AIR VENT GUY stands over a subway grate in front of McGlinchey’s Bar, his clothes billowing out. 

AIR VENT GUY: Philly, I'm the one. 

 

Next reel: DR. OZ walks backward down street, addressing the camera. 

DR. OZ: As a true hometown boy, I would be honored to serve my city --

WHITNEY (Off-screen): Cut! How the [BLEEP] did he get in here?

DR OZ trips and falls into pothole. 

 

INTERIOR. SCHOOL BUS - NIGHT 

Seats are jammed with candidates. MERRILL REESE and MIKE QUICK share seat with a sign that reads "Together We Fly". TERRY GROSS is next to JOEL EMBIID. Councilmember CINDY BASS, shoulder to shoulder with the TEMPLE OWL, makes disgruntled face. 

 

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA SCRAPYARD - NIGHT

A trash can fire glows in front of a chain link fence. JIM GARDNER stands with PHILLY, reading lines from an index card. 

JIM GARDNER: So, Philly, do you have a type?

PHILLY: Are you tryna get me canceled? 

JIM GARDNER: Sorry, Philly, I totally agree. (To the side.) Excuse me - who wrote this? Can we change some of these lines? 

The yellow school bus pulls up. Contestants exit the bus one by one and introduce themselves to PHILLY. 

CHERELLE PARKER: My name is Cherelle Parker, I’m a City Councilmember, and you already know me. I’ve been doing this for a long time and I don’t know why we have to go through all this. 

DRUMLINE ELMO approaches, banging drum.

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK (rapping badly)Move closer to the world my friend, take a lil bit a time, my mom says you get one love, and Philly you’re mine. 

CUT TO:

 

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK in confessional chair. 

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK: You only get one chance for a first impression. 

CUT BACK TO:

 

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA SCRAPYARD - NIGHT 

A STAFFER rolls in a dolly with a Bankers Box. The box lid moves. REBECCA RHYNHART climbs out awkwardly and approaches PHILLY. 

CUT TO: 

PPA EMPLOYEE in confessional chair. 

PPA EMPLOYEE: To be honest, I thought Rebecca’s entrance was a little over the top.  

 

CUT BACK TO:

 

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA SCRAPYARD - NIGHT

REGULAR GUY in T-shirt and jeans walks up. 

REGULAR GUY: Hi Philly, nice to meet you. I’m just a regular guy from the neighborhood. (Touches ear nervously.) 

PHILLY: How you doin'. 

Closeup of REGULAR GUY. He's wearing an earpiece. A voice crackles.  

JOHNNY DOC (Through the earpiece.): Shake hands, dammit!

 

CUT TO:

INTERIOR. PRISON CELL - NIGHT

JOHNNY DOC sits in jail cell wearing a leopard print smoking jacket, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms. A BUTLER approaches with a silver tray of food.

BUTLER: Your honey ham, sir?

CUT BACK TO:

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA SCRAPYARD - NIGHT

PHILLY (Crosses arms.): How much more?

DR OZ Rollerblades in.

PHILLY: Are you serious right now? Get him outta here, please!
 

INTERIOR. PHILLY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Contestants hold drinks glasses and sit on lawn furniture spread with pillows. Small trash can fires light the room. Bouquets of barbed wire elegantly arranged in coffee cans are placed around the space. 

HELEN GYM is on a bench, sipping iced coffee. When REBECCA RHYNHART goes to sit next to her, she puts a pillow in the way. 

HELEN GYM: Sorry. No room.

JOEL EMBIID surveys the room. He's drinking a Shirley Temple. 

 

CUT TO: 

JOEL EMBIID in confessional chair. 

JOEL EMBIID: They wanted me here to keep an eye on Ben, but now I’m thinking, hey, why not do this?

CUT BACK TO: 

 

INTERIOR. PHILLY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

AUNT MARY PAT sits on a folding chair with legs crossed.  She waves her wineglass.

AUNT MARY PAT: Keep it flowing over here!

MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ: Don’t you live in Delco, Aunt Mary Pat?

AUNT MARY PAT: My [BLEEP]hole doorter Kelly has residency here and I been stayin' with her, not that it’s any of your friggin business, hun, so why don’t you shut your trap? 

SCABBY THE INFLATABLE UNION RAT enters and tries to sit on couch. He shuffles his enormous body to make room, knocking BEN SIMMONS to the floor. 

CUT TO:

 

PPA EMPLOYEE in confessional chair. 

PPA EMPLOYEE: It’s definitely gonna be survival of the fittest. 

 

CUT BACK TO:

 

INTERIOR. PHILLY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

JIM GARDNER enters carrying an orange Wawa milk crate filled with thirteen long-stemmed red roses. 

JIM GARDNER: Contestants, it’s time for the first Rose Ceremony. Some of you will be sent home tonight. 

 

CUT TO:

 

PHILLY in confessional chair. 

PHILLY: I have some tough decisions to make. There’s a lot of great candidates here. 

CUT TO:

Closeup of SCABBY THE RAT.

CUT BACK TO:

INTERIOR. PHILLY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

The candidates line up for the Rose Ceremony.

PHILLY: Ya Fav Trashman, will you accept this rose?

YA FAV TRASHMAN: Always. 

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK rolls eyes.

Montage: PHILLY hands out roses.

JIM GARDNER: Contestants, I’m sorry, if you did not receive a rose, take a moment, say your goodbyes. 

 

CUT TO:

 

BEN SIMMONS in confessional chair. 

BEN SIMMONS: To go home on the first night… I’m not gonna lie. I’m  heartbroken.

 

ALLAN DOMB in confessional chair. 

ALLAN DOMB: I’m not going to dignify this. I have nothing more to say. 

 

CUT BACK TO:

 

INTERIOR. PHILLY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

JIM GARDNER escorts out CINDY BASS, CHERELLE PARKER, DEREK GREEN, HELEN GYM, ALLAN DOMB, REBECCA RHYNHART, JEFF BROWN, BEN SIMMONS, and AIR VENT GUY.   

 

CUT TO: 

 

PPA EMPLOYEE in confessional chair, holding rose. 

PPA EMPLOYEE: I am so relieved and I’m ready to win it. (Giggles.)  

 

CUT TO:

 

PHILLY and JIM GARDNER reconvene in dimly lit back room. 

PHILLY (Shaking head.): Yo, I hate this. 

JIM GARDNER: You’re doing great. Sit down, I got you a sandwich.  

PHILLY: Thanks, man. 

CUT TO:

 

TERRY GROSS in confessional chair, holding rose. 

TERRY GROSS: When you were five years old, you were walking home from school and you saw a cat getting chased by a dog. From that point forward, you knew you were going to be a reality show producer. Can you talk about why that moment was significant for you?

WHITNEY (Off-screen.): Terry, we’re interviewing YOU. 

TERRY GROSS: Really? I’m surprised by that. 

WHITNEY (Off-screen.): Can you please answer the question?

TERRY GROSS: Let’s take a short break.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INTERIOR. TV STUDIO - NEXT DAY. 

WHITNEY hovers behind PHILLY and JIM GARDNER in makeup. 

PHILLY: I'm not feeling it. I can't get excited about any of this. (Snapping at makeup artist.) Don't touch my scar!

WHITNEY: A mantra I like to use is, fake it til you make it. 

PHILLY: That ain't me, Whitney! Can you talk to her, Jim? 

JIM GARDNER (Offering bottle to PHILLY.): Here, drink some water. You're just a little overwhelmed right now.

WHITNEY: Look, you got the stressful part over with. Today's going to be so much fun. It's the first group date! Enjoy it! 

PHILLY: I was not clear minded when I signed that contract, and you know it, Whitney. I ain't happy about this. 

WHITNEY: Let's circle back later, okay? Everyone's waiting. 

WHITNEY hurries PHILLY and JIM GARDNER down the hall. JIM GARDNER pats PHILLY comfortingly on the back. 

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR. DR. ETHEL ALLEN PUBLIC SCHOOL - DAY

INTERIOR. PRE-KINDERGARTEN CLASSROOM - DAY

Students in uniform sit on a brightly colored rug. The contestants crowd the room. 

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.):  It's Day Two, and our remaining candidates are here in Mr. Whitaker's class for their first challenge. 

MR. WHITAKER: To get a sense of how well you display leadership, we're going to see how you handle a photo op while an aide whispers bad news into your ear.

AUNT MARY PAT sits in tiny chair. 

AUNT MARY PAT: Hi kids! Your Aunt Mary Pat's gonna read to you today...The Cat in the Hat. How long is this? Oh God, this is friggin long. 

STUDENT: Can I go to the bathroom?

AUNT MARY PAT: Do you want a slap in the mouth cause you’re fresh? 

AIDE speaks softly into Aunt Mary Pat's ear. 

AUNT MARY PAT (Yelling.): A bomb threat at the Flower Show?! Are you friggin kiddin me?! 

Kids scream. 

 

CUT TO:

 

DRUMLINE ELMO sits on tiny chair in front of class, silently showing them pages of The Cat in the Hat. AIDE whispers into DRUMLINE ELMO's costume head. DRUMLINE ELMO continues turning pages with no reaction.

 

CUT TO:

 

PHILLY in confessional chair. 

PHILLY: I gotta say, Drumline Elmo nailed it. 

DRUMLINE ELMO in confessional chair. Nods silently.

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK in confessional chair.

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK: Drumline Elmo is cheating, and I’m not about that. I’m gonna rise above it, but I’m not gonna forget this. 

CUT TO:

 

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION CENTER - DAY

INTERIOR. CONVENTION CENTER FLOOR.

Contestants stand together as a CONVENTION CENTER STAFFER approaches. 

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): The next group date is the Paper Mache Paper Trail. 

CONVENTION CENTER STAFFER:  Welcome, everyone! For this two-part challenge, you’ll go through your box, which contains your personal paper trail, and remove anything that indicts you in any way. Then you’ll use that paper and some glue to make a statue of something that can be appreciated by all Philadelphians. You’ll be judged on speed, style and attention to detail!

Closeup of REGULAR GUY. His hand is on his earpiece. 

JOHNNY DOC (Through earpiece.): Don't [BLEEP] this up.  

CUT TO:

 

YA FAV TRASHMAN in confessional chair.

YA FAV TRASHMAN: There’s something about Regular Guy…I just don’t trust him. 

 

PPA EMPLOYEE in confessional chair.

PPA EMPLOYEE: An art project is definitely something that’s a little intimidating for me.

CUT TO:

 

TEMPLE OWL struggling. Wings are stuck together with glue. 

 

CUT TO:

CONVENTION CENTER STAFFER: All right, let’s see the results!

Contestants stand in front of paper sculptures of varying skill level. The TEMPLE OWL’s wings are stuck to the floor. 

 

CUT TO:

 

YA FAV TRASHMAN in confessional chair.

YA FAV TRASHMAN: The Owl was a complete mess! Is that who you want for your mayor?


CUT BACK TO: 
 

CONVENTION CENTER STAFFER: The winners are Merrill and Mike!

MERRILL REESE and MIKE QUICK high five. 

MERRILL REESE: It’s gooooooooood!

MIKE QUICK: If you were looking closely, you could see that we actually left our box UNTOUCHED, because we have nothing to hide! What we did was, we took a piece of blank paper and made a paper airplane and at JUST the right moment we let it fly! We’ve been preparing for this all season; we are showing up, baby, and we are ready to win it.  

CUT TO:

 

MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ in confessional chair. 

MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ (Frustrated.): How are they even allowed to compete as a team? 

 

CUT TO:

EXTERIOR. ACADEMY OF MUSIC - NIGHT 

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): Today’s final event tests how quickly you can raise campaign money. Each candidate has twenty minutes to get as many fundraising dollars as they can. 

CUT TO: 

 

MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ in confessional chair.

MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ: [BLEEP].

CUT TO: 

 

INTERIOR. ACADEMY OF MUSIC BALLROOM - NIGHT 

Donors in black tie congregate around the room, eating appetizers and visiting the open bar. The contestants start circulating. 

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK: I got this. 

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK starts drawing cardboard sign. 

 

CUT TO:

DRUMLINE ELMO walks through room playing drum; kid following him collects dollars in plastic jug. 

CUT TO: 

 

The RACCOON jumps on charcuterie table and starts eating the prosciutto.  

 

CUT TO: 

 

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): Drumline Elmo wins by a mile. 

 

CUT TO:

 

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK in confessional chair.

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK: That’s two events he won today and I feel some type of way about it. 

 

CUT TO: 

EXTERIOR. ACADEMY OF MUSIC - NIGHT

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK is yelling. 

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK: You a cheater, Elmo!

CUT TO:

DRUMLINE ELMO in confessional chair, silent. Wipes eyes. Mascara runs down face. 

 

PPA EMPLOYEE in confessional chair, hugging RACCOON in lap, crying. 

PPA EMPLOYEE: It’s getting very emotional around here and it’s starting to get to me. 

CUT TO:

 

EXTERIOR. ROOSEVELT BOULEVARD HOME DEPOT PARKING LOT - NIGHT 

Small trash can fires are lit on the ends of the rows of contestants. JIM GARDNER and PHILLY approach. 

JIM GARDNER: It’s time for our next Rose Ceremony, and to say goodbye to a few more candidates. 

PHILLY: Terry Gross, will you accept this rose?

AUNT MARY PAT purses her lips. 

 

CUT TO:

 

PPA EMPLOYEE in confessional chair.

PPA EMPLOYEE (Weeping.): I wanted Philly to see all of me, and they didn’t get to see all of me. (Wipes eyes.) I believe that one day, I WILL find someone to love me. 

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK in confessional chair.

NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK: I wanted this city to fall in love with me, but you know what? I’m more madly in love with who I am than anything. I am tough. I am strong. I am beautiful. 

CUT BACK TO:

EXTERIOR. HOME DEPOT LOT. 

JIM GARDNER: Please say your goodbyes.

PPA EMPLOYEE hugs RACCOON. 

JIM GARDNER escorts out MARIA QUINONES-SANCHEZ, YA FAV TRASHMAN, MERRILL REESE and MIKE QUICK, PPA EMPLOYEE, the TEMPLE OWL, and NORTHEAST PHILLY MONK. 

JIM GARDNER: Remaining contestants, it’s time for you to head back to the warehouse. We will see you in the morning. Goodnight. 

TERRY GROSS, JOEL EMBIID, REGULAR GUY, DRUMLINE ELMO, AUNT MARY PAT, SCABBY THE RAT and RACCOON all nod. 

CUT TO:

INTERIOR. TV STUDIO - NIGHT 

PHILLY, WHITNEY and JIM GARDNER stand in PHILLY’s dressing room.

WHITNEY (Angry.): I don’t want to get on you about who you’re choosing to send home…but you need to put more thought into it than this dartboard system. 

Closeup of dart stuck through photo of PPA EMPLOYEE. Other contestant photos are scattered over dartboard on wall.

PHILLY: I’ll do what I want! This is a clown show!

WHITNEY: You’re supposed to be excited. You have to stop being so negative. Viewers won’t like it.

PHILLY: You want me to lie about my feelings?

WHITNEY: You signed a contract!

PHILLY: I’m so done with you right now. (Puts hand up, addresses cameraman.) GET AWAY FROM ME!

 

CUT TO:

 

INTERIOR. BEST WESTERN MOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT 

JIM GARDNER knocks quietly on motel room door. PHILLY opens door.

JIM GARDNER: You okay?

CUT TO:

 

JIM GARDNER tucks PHILLY into bed, reads crime report aloud as PHILLY drifts off to sleep. 

CUT TO:

JIM GARDNER in confessional chair.

JIM GARDNER: It’s a rough time. I’m just glad I can be here for Philly right now. 

FADE OUT.

FADE IN: 

INTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA WAREHOUSE - DAY

IT’S DAY THREE. 

TERRY GROSS, JOEL EMBIID, REGULAR GUY, AUNT MARY PAT, DRUMLINE ELMO, and RACCOON sit on couch drinking coffee. JIM GARDNER enters. 

JIM GARDNER: Good morning! Today, Philly will start spending some one-on-one time with each of you. Today’s date card is for… (Opens envelope.) Raccoon! 

Other contestants openly huff; roll eyes. 

 

CUT TO:

JOEL EMBIID in confessional chair.

JOEL EMBIID: I think when the raccoon got chosen first for the one-on-one, everybody was a little frustrated, so I thought, lemme try and lighten things up around here. 

 

CUT TO:

 

AUNT MARY PAT: Where is my wine? Where is my wine? It’s not funny, Joel!

 

CUT TO:

 

JOEL EMBIID in confessional chair.

JOEL EMBIID: (Giggles.)

 

CUT TO:

INTERIOR - PONZIO’S DINER, CHERRY HILL - DAY

PHILLY and RACCOON sit in a booth. 

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): This morning, Philly takes Raccoon over the bridge for some one-on-one time. 

PHILLY: The Eggs Benedict is good. 

RACCOON chews on sugar packet. 

FADE OUT.

 

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA WAREHOUSE - DAY

IT’S NOW DAY 7.

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): We’ve come to the end of the week. From the Greased Pole Climb to the Schuylkill Dunk, the contestants have had quite a journey. 

 

FLASHBACK - DAY

Contestants sit on inflatable floats on the Schuylkill River as swimmers try to tip them in. 

AUNT MARY PAT is perched on a unicorn float, wearing a bright bathing suit, muumuu cover-up and wedge sandals and holding a wineglass. 

AUNT MARY PAT: Youse are all losers! 

 

CUT TO:

 

TERRY GROSS in confessional chair.

TERRY GROSS: I don’t want to say Aunt Mary Pat was asking for it…but she was asking for it. 

 

CUT TO:

 

Swimmer tips the unicorn float. AUNT MARY PAT tumbles into the river.

AUNT MARY PAT: AHHHHHHH!

 

CUT TO:

 

TERRY GROSS in confessional chair.

TERRY GROSS: (Smiles.)  

 

BACK TO:

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA WAREHOUSE - DAY

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): After a long week, everyone is feeling the pressure of tonight’s Rose Ceremony.

CUT TO:

 

REGULAR GUY in confessional chair.

REGULAR GUY: You could cut the tension with a knife right now. 

 

CUT TO:

 

INTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA WAREHOUSE - DAY

Contestants are in an animated discussion.

TERRY GROSS: Yes. I would crack down on Savesies.

AUNT MARY PAT (Waving wineglass and yelling.): You’re telling me that after I get Larry to shovel out a spot you’re gonna come to my street and move my cone? Is that what you’re telling me, Terry? (She stands over TERRY GROSS, getting increasingly agitated.)

SCABBY THE RAT tries to wedge self between TERRY GROSS and AUNT MARY PAT. One of AUNT MARY PAT’s nails punctures SCABBY THE RAT. SCABBY THE RAT starts to deflate. REGULAR GUY shrieks.

 

CUT TO:

 

REGULAR GUY in confessional chair.

REGULAR GUY: When Scabby started to lose air, I was like…[BLEEP] is getting real.

SCABBY THE RAT in confessional chair, half deflated. A patch of duct tape covers the puncture wound. 
 

CUT TO:

 

INTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

The contestants stand up as PHILLY and JIM GARDNER walk in. 

JIM GARDNER: Welcome to tonight's Rose Ceremony. 

Montage: JOEL EMBIID, TERRY GROSS, SCABBY THE RAT, DRUMLINE ELMO, RACCOON and REGULAR GUY get roses. 

JIM GARDNER: Aunt Mary Pat, I’m sorry. Please say your goodbyes. 

 

CUT TO:

 

AUNT MARY PAT in confessional chair. 

AUNT MARY PAT: Buncha friggin [BLEEP]holes. 

 

CUT TO:

 

EXTERIOR. BEST WESTERN MOTEL - NIGHT

INTERIOR. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

PHILLY shakes Advil into mouth straight from bottle.

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): It’s getting down to the wire. The final Rose Ceremony is in two days, and Philly is going to have to make a choice. 

PHILLY yells into cell phone.

PHILLY: I hate you, Whitney!

 

CUT TO: 

EXTERIOR. DELAWARE WATERFRONT - SUNRISE

FINAL DAY. 

JIM GARDNER (Voice-over.): The day is here for Philly’s big decision. 

 

CUT TO:

 

EXTERIOR. LINCOLN FINANCIAL FIELD - DAY

INTERIOR. LINCOLN FINANCIAL FIELD CORRIDOR - DAY

PHILLY and WHITNEY stand together in corridor. Cheers from the crowd can be heard from inside the stadium. 

WHITNEY: Okay, there’s been a few changes. Dave Davies was throwing up a stink, so unfortunately Terry had to go back to work. And Joel had to get back to practice. 

PHILLY: Are you serious?

WHITNEY: Also, the raccoon has run away. 

PHILLY: This is balls.

WHITNEY: Regular Guy, Drumline Elmo, and Scabby the Rat are waiting on the platform at midfield. Should we walk through the game plan? 

PHILLY (Yelling.): I’m done, Whitney. (Shakes head.) I ain’t doing this no more. 

WHITNEY: Please. Philly. The stadium is full. Everyone is waiting.

PHILLY (Crying.): Can I talk to Jim for a minute? (Sniffles.) He’s the only one around here who makes me feel like I’m not going crazy. 

WHITNEY: But we have to -

PHILLY (Lashing at camera.): I just want Jim!

WHITNEY pauses. Slowly looks at camera. Beat.

WHITNEY: Yeah. No problem. Just wait here. 

WHITNEY runs down hallway. 

 

CUT TO:

WHITNEY bursts into JIM GARDNER’s dressing room, out of breath. 

WHITNEY: Jim, we’re going to throw in a twist. We want you to put yourself in the running. 

JIM GARDNER (Whirling around, half-dressed.): What? No. 

WHITNEY: It's ratings gold!

JIM GARDNER: I’m supposed to retire! This was my final gig! I promised my wife!

WHITNEY: And a lucky woman she is, Jim. But - how about - just once more for the people in the back?

The crowd roars inside the Linc. JIM GARDNER hesitates. 

WHITNEY: You really weren’t ready to retire, were you Jim?

JIM GARDNER looks at camera. Tiny smile. 

FADE OUT.

FADE IN: 

EXTERIOR. PHILADELPHIA WATERFRONT CONDO BUILDING - NIGHT

INTERIOR. WHITNEY’S CONDO - NIGHT

IT'S SEVERAL MONTHS LATER.

WHITNEY is on the couch with the television on. On the screen, MAYOR JIM GARDNER sits at a desk with a microphone.

JIM GARDNER: Welcome to my nightly fireside chat. 

WHITNEY smiles.

WHITNEY (To camera.): You’re welcome. 

She snuggles up on couch with blanket and popcorn to watch the broadcast.

 

CUT TO:

 

INTERIOR. PHILLY ROWHOME - NIGHT

PHILLY is also on the couch, watching the broadcast of MAYOR JIM GARDNER’s address. 

PHILLY (Voice-over.): I’m just glad the whole thing is over. I learned a lot about myself and all, but right now, I’m ready to chill.

PHILLY grabs remote and turns up volume on TV. 

PHILLY (Yelling at screen.): Love ya Jim!

 

CUT TO:

 

INTERIOR. PRISON CELL - NIGHT

JOHNNY DOC sits in jail cell, eating a bowl of Captain Crunch. REGULAR GUY comes in with silver tray. 

REGULAR GUY: Here’s your ham. 

 

CUT TO:

 

SCABBY THE RAT in confessional chair, almost completely deflated. He falls over. 

FADE OUT. 

 

THE END