Greetings from the Nesbitt clan! Hard to believe it’s already time to send out our annual holiday newsletter. There is much to report on from the year, and it’s our favorite tradition to share it with you. Enjoy! 

 

Mitzi has been quite busy this year with her eyebrows. Her initial goal was to grow them in for a more full look, but it proved difficult. A Sephora consultant recommended a new brow gel that worked wonders. We are proud of her for sticking with it. 

 

Young Benedict is currently on a self-directed fellowship to study the sociological patterns of close-knit cohabiting groups. Despite the unfair prison sentence we couldn’t be more proud of his genius entrepreneurial idea to run his meth dealership out of a typewriter repair shop. We can’t wait to see the next business venture he develops during his sabbatical in lockup! 

 

Little Mackenzie is reading far beyond her first-grade level. She started off with Amelia Bedelia and has blown through all of Nicholas Sparks. We read together as a family every night. Right now we are on The Exorcist. After each chapter we do a little Q and A before we tuck in Mackenzie. We don’t believe in night lights.

 

Wee baby Phosphorus tested in the ninetieth percentile of head circumference. We ask that no hats be given as presents this year so as not to exaggerate the girth of her noggin. We are giving her vigorous head massages every night in an attempt to reduce the size but no luck yet. 

 

I can’t forget Grandma Rose! Mom is as active and sharp and insolent as ever! She has embraced pickleball and pastry class. She does more than she ever did when we were kids and she refused to help me ride a two-wheeler or make cupcakes for my school birthday celebration. We’re proud of Grandma Rose and how she has saved all the best for herself in her later years and spends all her money on Botox and new lipstick colors instead of saving for her grandkids’ gap year funds. It’s a treat to see even though personally I think the Revlon coral pink washes her out but to each their own; everyone has a right to their own opinion and Grandma Rose certainly doesn’t hesitate to speak hers. 

 

Now to some bits and pieces from me and Craig! 

 

Craig has achieved all of his Fitbit goals this year. I’ve attached a printout of his data. He also wanted me to share the numbers from his current weightlifting routine. He hopes that Cousin Ian takes note and rethinks his opinion on Craig being a “Low T kind of guy.” 

 

I started a few new subscription boxes this year. The TP Library does a monthly supply with a different story printed on each roll. The hours I’ve spent sitting on the toilet unspooling an entire roll to get to the ending! It livens up routine. Craig surprised me with the Puzzle subscription service. Once a month someone comes to the house when you’re not there and changes the locks and leaves a problem-solving game to find the key. Craig likes to make sure I keep my brain sharp. 

 

In March, I dusted the blinds using a jack-o’-lantern sock on my hand.

 

The neighborhood Buy Nothing group has been very active. So far I’ve gotten a nub of Parmesan wrapped in Saran and a tire. 

 

We really are lucky to be part of such a tight-knit community. We love our cul-de-sac! The latest trend is weekly Fight Night. Everyone takes turns hosting with a different charcuterie board theme before names are drawn for the match (hand-to-hand combat only). Craig got an impressive scar on his cheek from Katherine Richardson’s emerald-cut engagement ring. He still says he won that bout, but my winnings say otherwise! 

 

Craig built some new pieces for our front lawn including a Roman history-themed mini golf course. The course is strictly for art purposes so when the neighborhood children express an interest I give them a little tour. They ask if they can hold the putter but I tell them only I get to hold it because we are on my lawn. They’re learning so much!

 

In June I watched an instructional video and completed a row of five crochet stitches. 

 

My plants are doing well but I had to get rid of the Zsi Zsi because I didn't like his energy. 

 

In July there was a small litigation against Katherine Richardson over the medical costs of Craig’s facial reconstruction and I got to go to court. I wore a new Ann Taylor suit in Wineberry and new thick-framed glasses in Licorice Tortoiseshell and a new faux-leather bag in Taupe. 

 

Over the summer we took a family outing to the Yankee Candle flagship store in Connecticut. We spent six hours sniffing candles and Craig got so lightheaded from his focused inhaling we had to take a little hospital detour. He puts so much effort into everything he does! Craig says to make sure Cousin Ian knows that the doctor said his stamina is like a bear’s and he was simply having an allergic reaction to the “Parisian Holiday Brunch” scent. 

 

In August I undid my crochet stitches so I could start over. 

 

In September I did a new row of ten crochet stitches. 

 

To celebrate Back-to-School we took the family to IHOP where coincidentally Craig’s favorite, the Rooty Tooty Fresh ’N’ Fruity, was back for a limited time. Grandma Rose acted like she needed the booth side to be comfortable but I know she just wanted to be able to spy on everyone in the restaurant and I had to take a chair with my back to everyone which I hate and she knows I’ve hated that since I was a little kid and someone’s basket-weave handbag brushed my ear from behind. Grandma Rose ordered a dish of fruit which is pretentious for IHOP and she got this look on her face when I ordered “The Great Circle of Cinnamon” French toast and I know exactly what you meant by it, Grandma Rose. And so did Suzy, the waitress. 

 

We have enjoyed keeping in touch with the extended family this year! Cousin Crystal is expanding her nail art business and has built a following in the tri-state area. Just so you know, she doesn’t do discounts or free services for family. Even if you do her the favor of watching her kids while she goes to do a series of bridesmaids who are getting matching acrylics in gold with a little white sparkle motif. She still doesn’t do discounts. I just don’t want you to ask and then be disappointed. 

 

In October I undid two crochet stitches and am currently working with three. 

 

Finally, we were blessed to celebrate Thanksgiving with the whole family. As always, Craig did the turkey slaughter himself in the backyard, to keep us honest. I get the plucking job because Craig says it’s important to face your worst fears and break through your comfort zone and grow your character. I can’t wait for all of you to enjoy your turkey feather-stuffed pillows this year that I have embroidered with the word “gratitude” to remind everyone to show your gratitude for things like enjoying a home-cooked feast without so much as asking what you can bring, Cousin Frances. Common decency requires the question, even when you know I’m going to say “Just yourself!” because I like to be in full control to ensure the quality of my curated menu and have zero trust in what you inflict on an innocent green bean. But you’re still supposed to ask. 

 

I hope you enjoy the enclosed picture of all of us in the Big Lots parking lot wearing our matching houndstooth bathing suits. Mitzi did a great job photoshopping Young Benedict. I expect to receive some thoughtful cards in return. We put time and energy into our holiday greetings and you know a non-photo card with a generic polar bear is going to go right into our mid-century fireplace. Some people don’t know how to put in any effort. 

 

With all best wishes for a happy and joyful and blessed Christmas and a healthy New Year full of personal growth and general betterment,

 

Mrs. Elinor Grace-Ann Doonesbury Nesbitt

Mr. Craig Nesbitt

Mitzi, Young Benedict, Little Mackenzie, Wee baby Phosphorus

Grandma Rose

All the plants (but not the Zsi Zsi)

All the neighbors at Bridgewater Commons Cul-De-Sac (but not Katherine Richardson)

Suzy from IHOP 

 

P.S. Cousin Crystal I hope you will put a little more thought into the Secret Santa this year. If I wanted an Amazon gift card I could easily get one for myself at the local pharmacy. 

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