Martha Cooney

You’re going to be a teacher? Good for you! 

 

There’s a lot to think about when you enter the education field, so allow me to take one thing off your plate. Here’s an insider’s guide to what to wear for teaching at every level. 

 

PRESCHOOL

When working with the potty-training population, don’t trick yourself into thinking you can get away with sneakers that have just the tiniest puncture in the sole. I warned you.

 

If you can’t army crawl, roll, frog-hop, lie down, or sit crisscross applesauce in it, don’t wear it. You want a stretchy pant, shirts with openings not billowy enough for frigid hands to worm into, and fabrics that can wash free of food coloring, smashed banana, dried play dough, moist dirt, tube yogurt, fish juice that spilled from the tank, and snot. Dry clean only? I don’t know that. What is it? 

 

Remember that the preschool level brings the most interaction with parents. If a heterosexual dad picking up his kid says to you, “I like that sweater/top/dress,” don’t under any circumstances wear it again. 

 

ELEMENTARY

Here’s where things get fun! 

 

CLOTHING

The older your class, the nicer you can dress. Kindergarten is still too young for cashmere or open-toed shoes (tempera paint; vomit). By fifth grade you can graduate to non-polyester and a wedge. Be aware of the message you’re sending: a welcoming floral smock works for first grade; in fourth, go with an intimidating suit jacket. Limit to one fun accessory, i.e., earrings shaped like punctuation marks. (Exception: see “A Note on the Art Teacher,” below.)    

 

Some non-negotiables:

 

It’s tempting to wear ironic patterns and ugly themed pieces around the holidays. Felt belongs at the craft table, not on a vest. 

 

Do you have a class pet? Don’t wear anything that matches the bearded dragon skin, hamster color, or fish pattern. Avoid a crocheted sweater around little claws. 

 

Do not wear anything that you bought from a multi-level marketing scheme/indie brand pushed by another teacher or parent. It encourages that person to come back for more.

 

Don’t wear a flowy nap dress for outdoor dismissal duty. The wind will whip that poppy-printed cotton straight up to expose your high-cut briefs to the car line. 

 

Come the season, don’t wear Girl Scout cookie-printed leggings unless you want the excitement level in the room to ruin your fractions lesson because why wear that unless it’s a clue that you’re giving everyone cookies, which you’re not? And why is the fractions lesson about cookies? 

 

You’re expected to join the other teachers and shell out for matching themed Halloween outfits. Hopefully not the same month as your turn to buy someone else’s birthday cake.

 

SHOES

Do you trust the ground beneath your feet or do hallway spills stay there all day? (“Walk AROUND it, Jerome!” Iffy bathroom facilities? Get a non-slip sole for rescuing a small child who fell in. Cafeteria rotation? Heels don’t cut it on spills of dispensable nacho cheese. In all cases, be prepared to sprint down the hallway after the kid that runs out of the room. 

 

HAIR

Don’t get bangs during September, October, or November. You don’t have the time.  

 

If you have trouble controlling your class, get a severe cut cropped close to your head. The energy in the room will change. You can also shake things up with a drastic undercut if they’re having trouble with multiplication. 

 

OTHER ITEMS

Elementary school teachers need a huge engagement ring to avoid suspicion from the school community; after age 29, rent or borrow one for school hours if you must. 

 

No brooches until age 45. 

 

If you work in a fairly well-funded school, there will be off-season holiday-scented Bath and Body Works lotion in the staff bathroom. Otherwise, bring your own and keep it at your desk (if your students are under eight years old, never ON your desk.) 

 

If you don’t have a Stanley or knockoff facsimile, can you even be trusted to teach sentence structure? Your school might not have working water fountains; in this case, bring six pre-filled water vessels, or one giant canteen intended for weightlifters. 

 

*A Note on the Art Teacher

Art Teacher is its own distinct category with no rules or restrictions. You can wear all black, ripped pants, unitards with colorful shorts over tights, hand-painted canvas capris, statement earrings made of padlocks, skunk-themed Ms. Frizzle muumuus, button-downs printed with butcher’s cut meats, and hair as rat’s nest or punk as you want. Everything outside the box is excused for you only. Revel in it!

 

MIDDLE 

You better have nerves of steel to even BE in a middle school classroom, bro. Your self-esteem better be OFF THE CHARTS. You better be able to laugh at yourself when Richard in row two says your jolly striped top makes you look like Where’s Waldo. 

 

Don’t take fashion risks that you’re not entirely confident in. “Should I shave my head?” only flies if your daily inner monologue is already “I’M AN UNTOUCHABLE BADASS!” 

 

At this level you can do cropped pants (spring only) and a seersucker blouse (SPRING ONLY!) and a smart suit for back-to-school night. Silk leaves sweat around the bra line on hot days: avoid. Cute sneakers are okay IF they’re 100% fresh. Only a certain person can pull off leather pants. It probably isn’t you. 

 

HIGH SCHOOL 

At this level you can play your wardrobe up and down. One power move is to pretend to be older than you are by dressing generations above (toe the line; you don’t want them to think you’re being ironic or fashionably retro.) A colored slack in a non-trendy fit works; pair with a blazer with oversized shoulder pads and a sad cut. Wear pantyhose and a pump shoe. You want the students to be whispering all year, “How old is Ms. Marshall?” and “Her skin looks AMAZING!” The ultimate goal is for the legend to grow to a point where they run a betting ring and a bold senior steals your driver’s license out of your baguette handbag left on your desk. The fake ID is your master touch.

 

Another fun game is to match your moods to your outfit and see how long it takes for them to pick it up. Wear all black to act like a raving lunatic giving pop quizzes and insulting everyone’s posture (“Sit up straight before you end up having to wear capes!”) On days with dresses, be sweet and demure with “Who needs grades anyway?” and Oprah-style “You get an A! You get an A!” and then rip apart their three-panel board presentations. (Allison, row three, bursts into tears: “I spent all night on that!”)  Add a specific hat for test days. 

 

You could also dress bland and minimalist all week (oatmeal pants, beige cardigans) and then show up on Friday with pattern clashes, sequined sweater in avocado pattern, cowboy hat and so on. When the students comment, pretend you don’t know what they’re talking about and dive into photosynthesis. 

 

Spring fever is real, so bring your A game. This is a good time to bring an accessory and use it effectively, like a gold-topped cane you bang on the floor with every step or a small bird that sits on your shoulder. 

 

If you want to be more traditional, don’t underestimate the power of an on point trendy look not only to elevate your status but as a public service to inspire students bored out of their minds by protons and electrons. Dropping a tip that you get your style inspiration from a particular rising influencer can subliminally prompt Jocelyn in row four to shut up for once and spend all class looking up ideas for her Outfit of The Day posts. 

 

Do not get bangs unless you’re a celebrity trendsetter doing a reality show stint teaching high school English, like Tony Danza. 

 

BUDGETING 

But how to manage all of this on the pittance of a teacher’s salary? Match the method to your personality. 

 

Do You Have the Mental Stamina to Try Things On, Realize They Don’t Fit, and Deal with Returns After You Ordered from SHEIN, Temu, and Amazon?

It’s a simple yes or no, friend. 

 

Are You Jazzed by Sales and Couponing? 

Spend seventy-two hours per month tracking coupon codes and points, checking emails for sales, driving in a panic to Old Navy for a three-hour only blowout, and throwing elbows while you rifle through a Marshalls rack.

 

Are You Extremely Organized? 

Create an alternative to the pricey Stitch Fix outfit delivery service. Simply buy an item and, after wearing, return it with tags on, repeating the process using a roster of twelve different stores that you rotate over three months using a color coded system on a whiteboard calendar. 

 

Especially do this when you have to chaperone prom in a sparkly old-person dress with drape sleeves (unless you want your bare shoulders and decolletage exposed, which feels extremely uncomfortable around Vice Principal Sullivan.)

 

Do you Enjoy a Treasure Hunt?

Thrift stores are for you, but if you teach high school, don’t shop at secondhand stores in the same neighborhood as your school. If you show up wearing a thrifted outfit that once belonged to a student or their mom, there’s no other option but to quit your job and then what will you do for health insurance? 

 

Are You Willing to Play the Long Game?

Procure a rich friend who wears your exact size. Make sure all hangs are at her place and during every visit pop into her closet and compliment a specific item until she says, “OMG you can totally have that one!” 

 

Drop by on December 26th with some slice and bake cookies and just happen to have roomy reusable bags with you to take home any gifts she doesn’t want.

 

Ask if you can “borrow” her Everlane Craft Dress in Linen and forget to return it until she remembers, which she won’t. She’s in Greece having an Ouzo martini. 

 

If you have trouble finding a rich friend, identify a local museum and hang near the exit doors after a “Young Friends” event. 

 

UNIVERSITY 

 

Adjunct Professors

We can’t forget about teaching at the college level. If you’re adjuncting in the Education department as a second job, plan accordingly and pack a separate outfit for changing after school.

 

Wear a blazer until you feel you’re being taken seriously. After that phase you can move into sweaters and colorless pants. 

 

Scarves.

 

Get a gray-haired wig and commit to it. 

 

No color on those fingertips. Remove all jewelry except artisanal earrings or a gold brooch about teachers having heart. Add a basic platinum wedding ring and canvas-strap wristwatch with analog face. 

 

The longer you teach, the more you can lean into dungarees. Also corduroy and sailcloth. 

 

Scarves.

 

Carry either a sensible over-the-shoulder briefcase bag or an Appalachian Trail hiker-size leather backpack. 

 

Scarves. 

 

Get bangs if you wish. You’ll start pinning them back anyway. 

 

Famous Education Thought Leaders That Earn Millions to Speak About Their Theories and Make Tent Hands 

Congratulations! You taught one year of middle school, then built your brand as a thought leader running a for-profit education consulting company. You teach a course a year at an elite university and spend the rest of the time at the Aspen Ideas Festival suggesting to billionaires that schools and educators in under-resourced, economically disadvantaged areas just need to “grind harder.” 

 

If you’re in this role, you must be a man, so have your assistant press one poplin button-down (roll the sleeves up: “He’s so grounded!”) and make sure they schedule a weekly grooming for your salt-and-pepper cut. 

 

A FINAL WORD

Good luck! I forgot to talk about denim. Just watch Riveted: The History of Jeans on PBS and draw your own conclusions. ​​

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