Martha Cooney

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It’s time to go to the store for food. Come grocery shop with me! 

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DAY ONE

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TAKE INVENTORY​

9:00 am

I reach as far back into the top cabinet as I can and accept that any can of tuna beyond my reach is going to be left out of the census because who has time to grab a chair and stand on it?

 

9:05 am

Fridge leftovers recorded. Freezer stock: Soup portions; three ounces black beans in a small tupperware: rejected week after week because I can’t face eating it but can’t bear to throw it out. Also a peanut butter tortilla wrap from July (similar relationship).

 

9:07 am

Wait, I forgot to put on my apron. I’m not cooking, but it feels right. 

 

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PLAN MEALS

9:20 am

I’m in the arena now wearing the stupid Roman helmet for the gladiator fight: economics versus tastiness versus convenience/time versus health versus socially conscious choices regarding plastic, environment, labor conditions, animal welfare, etc. etc. Economics always wins. Convenience takes silver. The other contenders, bleeding from double-edged sword wounds, will haunt me for the rest of the shopping journey. 

 

I remember when the battle ended differently, when I was young and arrogant: I’m too tired to deal with this; I’m going to order delivery. Hey, past self moron! You’re a preschool teacher. You can’t afford this! You’re going into debt for shrimp tacos! Boil some damn spaghetti, because I’m paying for your choices now! 

 

9:30 am

Now we have some MMA between “What are the cheapest somewhat healthy foods that exist and what meals can I make from them?” versus “What are foods I desire to eat and what are the cheapest versions of them?” because, on one hand, savings, but on the other, you get stuck in a rabbit hole searching “cheapest vegetable east coast March” and two hours later you’re on Good Housekeeping’s “Fifty Things to Do With Zucchini” (#43 sausage-stuffed boats, #44 zoodles). 

 

To help, I have a “food notebook” with lists “Vegetables That Exist” and “Lunch Ideas” (1. Eggs on toast 2. Peanut butter on bread 3. Think of more lunch ideas.) I forget all the information as soon as the book is closed, but still hold on to the book in case I remember it exists. 

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BROWSE RECIPES

9:40 am

Time to dip into partner’s porn stash (hardback display cookbooks with color photos). The first one is so heavy I cannot lift it with one hand. Rather than assist with my other hand, I say out loud, “Forget that.” I pull out the lighter options. 

 

The first cookbook’s introduction talks about the author’s culinary upbringing in industry kitchens. Should I work in food service again? The team camaraderie is good for the soul. Here’s a list of necessary equipment for the kitchen. No thank you, I just want one pot and one spoon. Cleaning, storing and remembering that different gadgets exist is too much, like having a secret family. 

 

Here’s “Must-Haves for the Pantry,” severe as a list of recommended baby vaccines. Next is make-your-own condiments. Oh god. I always forget about condiments and sauces. But which to use for what? What in the Satan’s powder room is “coffee butter”?

 

“A Note on Oils” debates whether olive oil is actually super healthy or should be used less. No, no. Quick, turn page. 

 

9:55 am

I flip through the recipes with the nostalgic sensation of trying to absorb two hundred unread pages in ten minutes before a History of Ancient Greece exam (Roman soldier knowledge not helpful). There’s a recipe for “Pea Husk Puree.” How do you shell peas without an Alabaman front porch? Here’s “Poor Man’s Lox”: tomato and goat cheese on a homemade cracker. I’m sorry, if you’re eating goat cheese you are not a Poor Man. 

 

10:05 am

Are capers bougie? What is “ash salt”? 

 

10:10 am

The next cookbook is from a famous local chef. Finally, some grounded recipes from someone familiar with the scent of a 1972 high school letterman’s jacket marinated in Steak-Umm runoff.

 

10:15 am

Sample recipes from Philadelphia chef: Black Garlic Scape, Hay-Cured Squab en Vessie (I don’t know either), Knotweed Jam. Excuse you?!

 

10:16 am

Let’s look at the other books.

 

10:30 am

Oysters. Seafood? 

 

10:31 am

I forgot I like anchovies! 

 

10:45 am

Black licorice Twizzler shaved onto a salad? WTF? 

 

10:55 am

Soup?!!!!!!!!!

 

I do like to read cookbooks by the glow of a 70-watt incandescent at the winter solstice and mentally expand them into crossover novels. I got Recipes from the Mississippi Delta at a used bookstore in Vermont; it was put together by a 1960s women’s auxiliary club and had white plastic spiral binding and recipes for Jell-O molds and alligator fritters. I imagined these bitches in girdles standing around after a John Birch Society meeting making petty comments about Betty’s “salad eggs.” I gave the book to a thrift store but felt bad about it because will anyone else appreciate it like I did? 

 

11:00 am

Cookbook journey summary: inspired to make more interesting meals at another time, definitely not now. 

 

11:05 am

It would save money if I start making homemade bread though. Let’s look at online food blogs for recipes. 

 

11:30 am

“Hi, I’m Kate! I used to teach first grade, and now my kitchen is my classroom! My recipes are [pop-up ad interruption] unfussy, straightforward [pop-up ad interruption], approachable, unpretentious and [pop-up ad interruption] super yummy!”

 

“Hi, I’m Belinda, a food-obsessed lover of the kind of dog that is expensive to maintain! My husband is the heir to a coal mine fortune and I homestead in Wyoming while raising seven blond children. I’m passionate about butchering, fermenting, and churning.” 

 

“Hi, I’m Mike! When I was contemplating my life choices while driving cross-country and living out of my van, I often found myself in a big-box store parking lot wondering, What am I going to cook on my hot plate? This blog features tried-and-true recipes you can make anywhere you plug in, including in the Outdoor Garden section at Wal-Mart (search the perimeter for outlet). Check out my Greatest Hits including homemade tortillas (roll out on the van dashboard before bringing them into the store), canned green beans zhuzhed with Mrs. Dash, and butterflied seared Hebrew Nationals.”

 

Should I do van life for a season? I could put curtains in the Honda Fit. Isn’t it a natural extension of the ancient practice of moving around in tribes foraging for food? But in the old days you got steps in. 

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12:30 pm

Pinning a few recipes for future.

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Cheater’s Paella 

Pasta with 20 Cloves of Garlic

Lady on a Bus Chicken

 

1:00 pm

Break for lunch. Eggs on toast, faucet juice.

 

MAKE LIST FOR SHOP 

1:30 pm

We have our preliminary meal plan and are ready to make our shopping list. Well done!

 

1:31 pm

Before we commit things to paper, let’s zoom out. Think about the long term. I should have a no-brainer system for buying staples so I don’t have to think about it every week. 

 

Is it worth a few extra dollars to shop local and embrace the whole “community” idea I pretend to peddle? I’d get exercise and build neighborhood relations. I could walk to different stops to buy fresh fish, corn tortillas, and olive oil, and even go to the co-op (insert joke here) (I meant to leave that there, Ezra Pound.) If I am a woman who shops at a bakery that didn’t exist five years ago and at the Civil Stock General Store (actual name) for a Himalayan Yak Cheese Chew wrapped in brown paper, do I then also have to wear a structured hat? 

 

1:40 pm

No! Don’t get distracted by the false, expensive idea that I can be a woman-about-town visiting the butcher, baker and candle provider (Aldi, triple-wick, themed by season, price in-store but I’m telling you, a steal). I have to punt the development of this many-markets pleasure-trip scheme to a Friday night. Then I can sit down with Throat Coat tea and experiment with an aspirational map of what I’d buy where and when if I ever have a windfall, using graph paper and a strong pen. Right now it’s back to business.

 

1:42 pm

Looking at the economics, bulk buying is the way to go. I can pretend I’m on the Little House crew traveling to the trading post once a year for a wooden barrel of salt. 

 

1:55 pm

I create an account with a restaurant supply company by lying and saying I run an eating establishment (WELL DON’T I?). Now I can order dry beans and legumes in bulk and store them in the basement. Unfortunately, I can’t afford the minimum bean order. Pin for future. Don’t forget I did this. 

 

2:15 pm

Costco! How did I miss this? I live with someone who’s always held a Costco membership for optical, but we never go for groceries. Why haven’t I been riding the tail of this discounted cloak? Let’s look at prices. 

 

2:25 pm

To get the most for one’s dollar at Costco we’d really need more freezer storage.

 

2:45 pm

Deep freezer ordered and arriving between 5:30 and 7:30 pm. Yay!

 

2:50 pm

Now we’re going to list out staples and price compare. I’ll start with coffee.

 

2:56 pm

I could have saved so much money in my life if I’d started making coffee at home from age eighteen and through my twenties until I finally wised up. Even more if I used instant from the jump. I made my straw-filled, hiding-no-money mattress; now I sleep on it. How did I even feed myself back then?

 

Grocery Life, age 24

7 am: Stop on way to work for coffee with cream and sugar and bagel with cream cheese

12 pm: Takeout shrimp lo mein or shrimp and avocado with platanos or two slices pizza

6 pm: Takeout shrimp lo mein or shrimp and avocado with platanos or two slices pizza

Night: Beer, Tostitos

Fridge inventory: Grapefruit juice for colds, Silk vanilla soymilk (basically milkshake)

Pantry inventory: Box off-brand noodles (ziti shape). Jar of chunky peanut butter, but I had to throw it out after I came in one night and saw a squirrel who’d entered the open apartment window (no A/C) holding the jar between his paws and gnawing at the lid. 

 

3:05 pm

This makes me want to dig through mementos from my twenties in New York. What’s the name of the dude in this photo? Whatever happened to my strapless kelly green summer dress? Oh, it got puked on. We’ll never get our youth back. 

 

3:35 pm 

Back to work. 

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PRICE COMPARE 

3:50 pm

Coffee is 36.3 cents per ounce for Wal-Mart brand versus 44 cents per ounce for Costco. Frozen broccoli at Costco is 5.76 per ounce versus 8.6 cents per ounce at Wal-Mart. Giant pulls in third at 12 cents per ounce. 

 

4:00 pm

Giant’s onions at 53 cents beat out Wal-Mart onions at 86 cents. That seems weird.

 

4:10 pm

Costco wins on price for ten pounds of oats ($9.35).

 

4:30 pm

Fage brand Greek yogurt tastes best but costs the most. Aldi brand is the cheapest but the texture brings tears to my eyes and not in a good way. Wal-Mart store brand is only slightly inferior in taste to Giant store brand and Wal-Mart price is better so it overall wins the bracket. I need to stand up and take some deep breaths. 

 

4:40 pm

I forgot about checking weekly sales. How will I remember to check weekly sales? 

 

4:45 pm

Am I buying citrus this week? Eating it on the go is such a bear – also where do I put the peels? In my tote bag? 

 

5:45 pm 

The deep freezer is here! The delivery folk situate it in the basement. So much space! A healthy five-year-old might fit in there on a hot day. I’ll alert the neighborhood children. 

 

6:00 pm

It’s too late to start shopping today. I’ll map out the order for tomorrow. 

 

8:00 pm

Oh god. What about coupons? 

 

8:05 pm

How do I even coupon? Is it insufferable to use it as a verb?

 

Scene At Party

 

Me: So, do you coupon? 

Other Person: Punches me in face

 

Do I go on websites? Sign up for apps? I don’t want to keep track of all those apps on my phone. Is this going to mean more emails? Are there still physical coupons? Do I print them? Isn’t that using ink? Do I just scan digital coupons at the register? What if I leave my phone in the car? 

 

8:30 pm 

Couponing will not bewitch me. The time and mental energy to save fifty cents on Apple Mango Tango-scented Gain which I would not normally buy is too much. But isn’t ignoring coupons going against everything I stand for? Hurry, turn on Love is Blind to stop this thought. 

 

11:00 pm

Time for sleep! Big day tomorrow. 

 

DAY TWO

 

7:00 am

Shopping day! Up and at ’em. I put on my sneakers. 

 

EQUIPMENT

7:45 am

I look for reusable grocery bags. There’s a misshaped no-name bag with a diamond pattern, a crumpled ShopRite 2016 vintage, and a boneless Giant bag with the structure of a high school biology teacher who’s given up and shows a film every class (and I don’t blame them). 

 

A mismatch of bags from different establishments feels wrong. Does using Giant bags inside Aldi imply I have a commitment problem? My lineup isn’t aesthetically pleasing either. Canvas bags look cute but don’t work unless they’re structured. Structured canvas bags are hard to get your hands on, and when you do, the messaging is never on brand. I have one printed with the name of a fancy school I worked at, but I don’t want to be misidentified as a rich mom, because how can I haggle when I’m carrying a bag like that? “This apple is bruised. Can you knock a dime off?” (Tucks discounted fruit into bag advertising elementary school that charges $30,000-a-year tuition.) 

 

Before any of you read this and decide you’re going to be all sweet and purchase me a set of structured label-less canvas bags as a pity present, don’t bother. We both know they will end up dropped and soiled in a puddle of trash extract on the street, or lost under the spare tire (is that what it is? Or is it the tire they took off when it got punctured? But why would I keep that? Find out) in my trunk. 

 

WAL-MART

8:15 am

Wal-Mart first, bright and early because (this is true) my Wal-Mart was ranked number one on a recent survey of Worst Places in Philadelphia (not worst supermarkets — worst places). You have to get there early so you don’t get stuck in line for fifty minutes or get too close to a brawl at the exit (quick estimation: is someone about to get shot or can I just go kill time in Dairy before it dies down? I have already invested 45 minutes and my cart is full.) 

 

8:20 am 

Early-morning Wal-Mart is a dream! 

 

8:30 am

The produce section is an emotional landmine. I have visions of steamships carrying bananas grown by underpaid laborers while Big Chiquita sucks up the profits. But bananas are only 19 cents each. Argh. 

 

8:40 am

I’m prepared for drama at the egg section.  Black Friday-level lines?  Women removing earrings ready to fight? People doing “savesies” with whole body spread across the egg fridge refusing to move until their second arrives with the cart? It’s calm and somewhat stocked. I win!

 

9:00 am

I forgot the reusable bags in the car. I’m flooded with anger and shame at using Wal-Mart plastic bags so thick they will choke an orca. Why do I even try? Why don’t I just go into major debt and carry a linen bag to the farmer’s market? Then I can feel morally clean like my rich friends with disposable income. (“Look at this precious wee jar of fig compote we got! It’s local and it was only $14.95!” GET BENT.)
 

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COSTCO

11:00 am

It’s my first Costco experience! I’m excited, like going on a plane for the first time. My partner is a veteran, so he leads the way. 

 

11:05 am

There’s a door greeter! This is what it’s like to belong to an exclusive club!

 

11:30 am

Thank God I am not here alone. I would never, ever be able to deal not only with the physical loading and carrying but the mental and emotional gymnastics.  If there are this many products in one store, how many products are there in the whole world? How many humans, blades of grass, grains of sand? The concept of infinity makes me dizzy. I lean against a pallet of ramen. 

 

11:45 am

We go up and down every aisle finding our stuff. I get my ten pounds of oats. There’s also items to scout for future; I try to take note of everything we should start buying here. There’s so many cans. 

 

12:00 pm

What’s the difference again between tomato paste, crushed tomatoes, and tomato puree in regards to making sauce? My Italian ancestors wail and gnash their teeth. 

 

12:25 pm

We've gotta get out of this place. NOW.  

 

12:30 pm

Exiting the parking lot!

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GIANT

2:30 pm

I’m on the final expedition to Giant for a few sale items and things I can’t find elsewhere. Seasonal products at the entrance remind me that I am not a thoughtful person who ever lays out for a little plant pot with a fun balloon to bring to a breakfast party. 

 

2:40 pm

I feel smug passing the peanut butter after getting a better deal earlier.

 

2:50 pm

I’m panicking. Tofu is on sale at two for three dollars. That’s better than our Costco purchase. How did I miss this? Sweating.

 

2:55 pm 

Marty, the giant robot with googly eyes who rolls around the store scanning the floor for spills, is too close to me and I don’t like it. 

 

3:10 pm

Once and for all, is almond or oat the better milk choice? My spirit is dying. 

 

3:15 pm

I just got stuck in a four-cart jam in Spices. My spirit is fully crushed. I add two unplanned-for boxes of Celestial Seasonings to my cart.

 

3:25 pm

I forgot the reusable bags in the car. I pay eleven cents each per paper bag. I’m wasting fifty-five cents and destroying the earth.

 

3:30 pm

Two cars play chicken waiting for my parking spot. Whichever angle I pull out on will by default give the advantage to one car. I don’t want the losing car to roll down the window and yell in case I went the wrong direction because I don’t know what direction we’re supposed to go in this part of the lot. Just let me out. 

 

3:35 pm

I forgot toilet paper. 

 

3:36 pm

I am not going back.

 

3:37 pm

We need toilet paper. 

 

3:45 pm

I pull into Target for toilet paper and for a palate cleanse. Target is soothing vicarious luxury, a place to walk under showroom lights, pick up skincare products and put them back. 

 

UNPACKING AND STORAGE

4:30 pm

At home, I try to organize the day’s wares. I set up a bunker-style pantry in the basement and put items into the kitchen cupboards. I’m furious at shows like The Home Edit where everything is in glass jars. I love the aesthetic but WHO IS REFILLING YOUR JARS? That shrew on Real Housewives who puts her Oreos into a spiral-shell Guggenheim-staircase stack inside a clear canister can’t be doing that herself.  I once poured a bag of beans into a jar, then cooked the beans and the jar was empty in one go. Why? 

 

5:20 pm

Everything is away except the reusable bags which I remembered to bring in from the car even though I forgot to use them. Really I should keep them in the car. But assuming I do remember to use them and thus have no choice but to bring them in the house, how then do I get them back to the car after unloading the groceries? I live on a city street. If I do the drop off and unload of groceries while putting flashers on, run to unload as quick as possible, put the groceries on the stoop and pray no one takes my eggs to sell on the corner as loosies, run back to my car waving apologetically to the six-car pile-up beeping behind me, and circle the block in the game-show war to find a legal parking space without kissing anyone else’s bumper, and find a spot three blocks up and one over, and run back to unlock the door and then unpack the groceries, do you think I am then going to walk back to the car to put the bags back in? What? Leave them by the door and remember to bring them next time I leave the house? Who do you think I am?

 

REFLECT AND DEBRIEF

5:45 pm

I should see where I could have tightened anything up. I pull out the receipts. What is this “points” thing all about? My body feels ragged. 

 

UNWIND

6:00 pm

The meal plan was to make tofu with rice and vegetables and an exciting green curry sauce. I look in the fridge at the tofu package. 

 

6:01 pm 

I’m fighting a horrific, kamikaze urge to order curry online.

 

6:05 pm

I’ll just make eggs on toast (total cost estimated $1.97). I am victorious.

6:15 pm

I sit down with my eggs on toast to watch Somebody Feed Phil. This episode he’s traveling to Seoul and the Gwangjang Market which has over 5,000 shops and stalls. Oh no, oh no. I can’t watch. 

 

6:20 pm

I switch to With Love, Meghan, where Meghan Markle entertains guests with homemade rhubarb jam and nasturtium petals frozen into ice cubes. We all know this is a fantasy and she doesn’t have to clean her own white Le Creuset pot. It has its own full-time attendant for bleaching, polishing and motivating with French jazz. And I’m okay with it. The muted tones of her show kitchen soothe me as she pokes holes into focaccia dough. This toast is pretty good. 

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